Here we go again….

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My medication for the frozen embryo cycle arrived today…here’s my haul. I don’t know about you but I always feel immediately compelled to stack all the boxes neatly, like some sort of  OCD IVF mad woman.  I’ll add this stuff to my neatly stacked apothecary, under the wine shelf.

I’m meeting the consultant tomorrow to get the low down on the frozen cycle – I think I’ll start the meds around the 5th April. I also downloaded the ‘Mindfulness’ book because I’m an easily influenced sheep who does whatever she’s told by other desperate infertile women online. Hey, being mindful helped someone in Idaho get pregnant with twins so bring it on! Next week I’m seeing a man about some magic beans😐🔫

Beautiful Baku

I’m in Azerbaijan for a short work trip – Baku is a fascinating place. I explored the old city yesterday and fed sausages to some friendly stray cats. I had a cat gang following me after 10 minutes….

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Test Day – BFN

Negative pregnancy test for me this morning… not even a hint of a second pink line. I was expecting this, I just haven’t felt ‘right’ this cycle. I feel strangely ok about it at the moment. Had a little cry and a long chat with my lovely husband at 6am. Something is clearly wrong with the quality of my eggs and I think we’ve accepted that. We just can’t keep doing the same thing again and again… we don’t have enough money, time or stamina.

Anyway, feeling horribly disappointed but I think we need to focus on plan B. We have one frozen embryo. I’d like to transfer this as soon as possible although I have no/low expectations. Then I’d like to find an egg donor. That’s our plan B. I never thought it would come to this, but here we are and I have to stay positive about the future.

Glass of wine for me tonight.

8dp5dt – here comes the fear

Today is 8dp5dt and I’m a psychotic wreck. My ‘symptoms’  feel 100% like AF is on her way… a heavy feeling down below, ovary twinges and a large zit on my forehead. I’m on regular knicker watch every 15 minutes or so. I’m in Zurich on a business trip today so I’m sure my colleagues must think I have diahorrea or something. If AF arrives whilst I’m here I think I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.

Anyway, God grant me the serenity to accept the things… etc etc etc.

I just want to get back to London so I can obsessively knicker watch in the privacy of my own home. 2 more sleeps until this 2ww hell is over… wish I felt a bit more optimistic.

6dp5dt – today is not a good day

I woke up this morning (6dp5dt) feeling completely normal. My boobs, which have been slightly bigger than their usual selves over the last week or so, have returned to normal size. The bloating has gone. The insomnia has gone. Even the weird dreams have gone. I’m actually giving myself sore boobs from trying to find soreness (yes, I’m a mad woman).

I’ve convinced myself that this cycle is a bust. I stupidly did the maths last night and the statistical likelihood of this cycle working is slim to none. I scared myself even though this isn’t ‘new news’ – I’ve always known this. My entire year-long IVF journey has been a constant mental battle of statistical reality vs hopefulness. Today is a day where the stats are winning and I am feeling a complete lack of hope.

I’m not going to test early. If I test early I won’t trust the result, and I’ll feel worse. So I’m just going to keep on losing my mind and my mojo until Saturday.

5dp5dt – losing my mind

I’m now at 5dp5dt and time is moving glacially slow. I’ve decided there are two types of time – real time, and IVF time. IVF time moves at half the speed of real time. This is a true, scientific fact – I may publish a paper on it.

I am really not sleeping very well at all. I am having some extremely trippy dreams, interspersed (every hour or so) with sweaty awakenings and frequent trips to the bathroom. I feel a bit like Hunter S Thompson. Last night’s dream was pretty good as it involved a BFP and being pregnant. The night before involved a cruise liner and Joan Rivers. I have no idea what is going on but I think it may be progesterone-related.

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