11dp5dt – as negative as negative can be

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….and that’s all there is to say about that.

There were no more tears this morning. I’ve started to process the fact that it’s unlikely we’ll have our own biological baby. Donor eggs or adoption will be the way forward for us. I think I’m ok with that. The baby may not have my dimple, left handedness or bloodhound sense of smell but he/she will be loved and ours. I know I should perhaps take time out to mourn this loss but I’m a ‘doer’ and planning our next move keeps me going. If I don’t keep moving forward I’m going to turn into a blubbering wreck. I’m just so desperate for this to work out somehow. I’m 38, husband is 40 and time is not on our side.

More to follow, I’ve emailed our RE with the news. Thanks to everyone for your support and kind words x

8dp5dt – negative

Tested this morning…. one pink line, not a hint of a second. It was an FRER so I’m pretty confident it would have picked up HCG if there was any to pick up at this stage.

I’m disappointed and sad. This is our last cycle with my eggs and really our last chance to have a baby that is biologically ours. It feels like a loss, maybe even a bereavement.

Thursday is my official test date so I’ll test again even though I know it’s a bust. Wow, I am thoroughly sick of IVF stuff.

7dp5dt – today is my birthday, tomorrow is my test day

….yikes. I’m dreading it.

My official test date isn’t until Thursday (10dp5dt) but I have the day off work tomorrow. I’d rather POAS without having to go to the office for the rest of the day, so…. tomorrow it is.

I’m not feeling optimistic. I wish I was, but I’m not. So today I am trying to put it all to the back of mind and focus on the good things in life, namely:

  • Today is my birthday and I’ve had so many nice presents, cards and good wishes from all over the world
  • My wonderful, funny, kind and handsome husband who I love very much and who loves me whether or not I am pregnant (ever)
  • My one-of-a-kind family including two grandparents who are still very much alive and kicking in their late 80s – and my extended family in New Zealand. I’m lucky to have them all.
  • My amazing friends around the world – all of whom I admire and am massively proud of
  • My job – which I love
  • My health – I’m alive! I’m reasonably slim! I still have all my own hair and teeth!
  • I live in London, one of the best cities in the world, and I never, ever get tired of it. Even when it’s raining and full of tourists.

I’ll report back tomorrow. Until then…..f*ck you home pregnancy test!

5dp5dt – Reasons to be cheerful

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Look at my lovely kitchen window box!

It is something to be cheerful about, as is the fact that it’s a sunny morning, it’s 5 days past our transfer and I’m feeling ok. No ‘symptoms’ really apart from a few twinges in the ovary area and sore boobs. I’m blaming that on the progesterone of course. 4 more days until test date. I’m trying to visualise my embryos growing and taking root just like the flowers in the window box.

I will look at my flowers and remain zen. I will not obsessively Google 5dp5dt. I will not obsessively Google 5dp5dt. I will not obsessively Google 5dp5dt…..

4dp5dt – Damn you Progesterone

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Is that tiny twinge in my uterus area a sign that my embryo is implanting? Are my boobs feeling a bit sore? Are those weird dreams I’ve been having about serial killers an early pregnancy symptom?

The answer is yes.

And no.

All of these things are side effects of the mega-dose progesterone I’m on. I did a quick Google search (of course) and came up with this:

Progesterone – less serious side effects may include:
  • mild nausea, diarrhea, bloating, stomach cramps (also common in very early pregnancy)
  • dizziness, spinning sensation (yep those too)
  • hot flashes (sounds about right)
  • mild headache (deffo)
  • joint pain (not so much)
  • breast pain or tenderness (yes, mainly from crazed searching for breast pain or tenderness)
  • acne or increased hair growth (yuck, not yet)

I’ve decided that there is no such thing as early pregnancy symptoms, only progesterone symptoms. Those uterus twinges aren’t fooling me! Well, maybe a little bit. Stop trying to fool me, uterus.

2dp5dt – Nothing in the Freezer

Hospital called – our three remaining embryos aren’t suitable for freezing. They only freeze good quality blastocysts and unfortunately those three haven’t made the grade.

I’m disappointed but not surprised – over the course of 5 cycles we’ve only ever had one frostie (which failed to defrost anyway). I can’t help but feel a bit nervous though. Ok, our embryos don’t make it to the freezer because they aren’t good quality. So what does that say about the two I have in the oven at the moment? Does that explain why we’re on our 5th cycle of IVF, despite having seemingly ‘great’ looking embryos transferred every time?

Anyway I have a bad cold and my PMA light is blinking red/empty. I’m bloated, constipated (thanks progesterone!) and my stomach looks like it has been attacked by Lilliputian bows and arrows. This freezer news has made me feel a bit sad.

I think I’ll have a raspberry Magnum.

2 embryos on board

Very pleased to report that I now have two blastocysts carefully snuggled in my womb – one ‘top quality excellent’ (doctor’s words) and one ‘smaller one’. What a relief!

The last few days have been exhausting. I’m on loads of progesterone this time around (2 x cyclogest pessaries AND a daily injection of Lubion) and it’s giving me some crazy dreams. Barely slept at all last night worrying about this morning’s transfer. Very pleased it’s over and very pleased we got two good ones.

Now I can relax and enjoy the 2ww*. The embryologist will call tomorrow to let me know if any of the other 3 remaining embryos are suitable for freezing – 1 is at the ‘compacting’ stage which means it might just make it to blastocyst in time. Anyway, not worrying about that for now. Not worrying about anything for a few days**!

*haha

**about 2 days I reckon, then I can start obsessively Googling ‘early pregnancy symptoms’ like a mad woman

And then there were 5!

I spent the morning clutching my mobile in my sweaty, eager little hand, willing the embryologist to call. She said she would call in the morning so she called at….11.55am. Erm, thank you for that.

Anyway good news – 5 out of 6 eggs were mature and all 5 successfully fertilised. What a relief! I’m pleased. I know we still have a long way to go but this is a weight off my mind. The ICSI situation threw me off balance yesterday – now I feel hopeful again.

I have decided to skip my Thursday lunchtime yoga class today as I feel like I’ve been pummelled in the stomach – or maybe karate kicked by a midget. I’m still sore and bloated so no downward dog for me today. It’s a shame as I LOVE yoga and I feel like it has really helped me through the last 12 months of fertility hell, but I think I need 24 hours of taking it easy. I’ll make up for it in a day or two.

Egg transfer is scheduled for Monday (day 5), fingers crossed our 5 little embryos keep growing until then.

Half a dozen (organic) eggs

downloadEgg collection happened this morning and I’m pleased to report that we got 6 eggs – from 6 follicles. What a relief!

As with all IVF stuff there is no such thing as a ‘good news day’. So whilst busy punching the air with our 6 egg news, we also received the news that husband’s sperm sample wasn’t good enough for ‘regular’ IVF and we’d have to opt for ICSI instead. Apparently his count had reduced from 5 million in our last cycle to 400k in this one. How did that happen?!

The embryologist asked if he had been unwell 6-8 weeks ago. We didn’t think so…and he’s been taking all his supplements. It’s weird. We need to follow up with the doctor on this one. 6-8 weeks ago he was rather stressed out (I was hit by a motorbike – long story) so perhaps that had a negative impact on things down below. Anyway, c’est la vie. We just need to deal with it – and we are VERY good at dealing with double whammy good/bad news these days.

I’ll get a phonecall tomorrow with news of how many eggs fertilised. ICSI can sometimes cause eggs to break up, so we’re just hoping that amongst our 6 there are a couple strong enough to cope with ICSI and make it to fertilisation. I am egging on my eggs – more news to follow.

Day 12 scan – nervous

Another scan this morning  – according to the doctor my lining is ‘lovely’, ‘very nice’ and, in fact, ‘beautiful’ – that’s right, my womb lining is beautiful, no matter what they say. Words can’t bring it down.

Things have also improved slightly on the follicle front – I currently have 4 on the right and 3 on the left. They are growing ‘nicely’. For some reason my doctor is  very cagey about giving millimetres. He will not be drawn into a size conversation under any circumstances. ‘Nice’ like 16 millimetres nice? 5 millimetres nice? I will just have to take his word for it.

So, pretty good all in all. I’m worried though. He wants me to keep taking the Menopur (stimulation drug) for another couple of days – until Monday. That’s day 14! I haven’t ‘stimmed’ for that long before, and I’m on a high dose (375 down from 450). I’m nervous about ovulating early and ruining my chances even though I’m on Cetrotide, which is supposed to prevent ovulation. I consulted Dr Google (of course) and this does happen sometimes. There is also a link between extended high dose stims and poor egg quality. So, now I’m worried. What if my puny follicles can’t take an extra couple of days of growth juice and implode?

Husband told me to stop worrying. I can’t. Today I’m worried about this. Next week it will be egg collection, then I’ll worry about fertilisation, then I’ll worry about egg transfer, then I’ll worry about the 2ww, etc etc ad infinitum. Anyway, watch this space.