A Forest

Well, it has been a funny old week. I have had a Cure earworm for the last 5 days (earworm…where a song sticks in your head and won’t get out). It’s ‘A Forest’, which seems pretty apt at the moment. Not because I’m camping, or because I’m an 80s goth, but because of my current frame of mind:

I don’t really know what to do with myself. The last 18 months have been reassuringly organised. I’ve either been planning an IVF cycle or doing an IVF cycle. Now…I’m not, because I’m not doing any more IVF cycles, ever again. 

I’ve been crying rather a lot. Not in a dramatic fashion next to the coffee machine, but quietly and spontaneously, on my walk home, whilst listening to ‘Desert Island Discs’ or when I hug my husband. There’s a beautiful Christopher Wren church near my office where I go sometimes – I sit in an empty pew, close my eyes and enjoy the smell of polished wood and old Bibles. I talk to everyone in my head – family members here and departed, the ‘inner me’, God, although I feel strange doing that, like an imposter – and it just helps me feel better somehow. I went in there a few days ago for a quiet sob. The Vicar came over for a chat and I explained what has been going on. He’s a lovely man. It felt good to spill the beans to someone who knows nothing about infertility treatment. Maybe I needed that.

I do worry that I might have some sort of screaming meltdown at any moment. I’m doing fine on the outside – getting on with work, smiling, planning a family visit – but every now and again I’m gripped by the realisation that I AM NOT GOING TO GET PREGNANT WITH OUR OWN BABY. Our 5 cycles of IVF were a complete bust. I’m acting like a ‘normal person’ but on the inside I feel like I’m barely holding it together. What do people do in these situations? Quietly sob? Talk to a Vicar? Write a blog and get on with their lives? That’s what I’m doing. I think that’s probably the traditional British approach (perhaps minus the blog and the Vicar).

I’m also aware of the fact that I need to get a grip and remember there are people in far worse situations than me. I could be a disabled beggar in Kinshasa. I could be living in a makeshift refugee camp in Calais. I could be single and desperate for a baby. At least I’m halfway there.

So, what next? Well, I’m a hardcore organiser. I cannot relax. I must have spreadsheets. I am compelled to ‘do’. So it’s only natural that I’ve already started the quest for Plan B. More on that in the next post. For now, please enjoy the Cure.

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7 thoughts on “A Forest

  1. Nara says:

    Hey. It’s totally okay to feel upset and frustrated. Just because there are people worse off than you doesn’t negate your pain. And who’s to say who’s worse off? Everyone reacts to things in different ways, and you’re entitled to feel down at having gone through so many IVF cycles without having a baby. Don’t be hard on yourself for feeling that. X

    Liked by 1 person

    • Babyscienceproject says:

      Thank you – you are right, but it does help a little bit to plan the game of ‘it could be worse, I could be a….one eyed leper’ or whatever. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism. Maybe it’s me being a silly sod. Anyway thanks for the nice words, writing this stuff down does make me feel more positive about things.

      Like

  2. Haisla says:

    Oh, I love the Cure!! (Sorry, I’m gatecrashing here via Stirrup Queens blog..I’ve been following your blog for a little while, but haven’t had the chance to comment yet)..

    I am so, so sorry to hear about your fifth and final failed IVF cycle. I can’t imagine what you’re going through in trying to reconcile your dreams with where you’re at right now. This is such heart-breaking news. I think crying is probably beneficial, as is blogging and talking to Vicars.. Whatever helps you get through the pain. And I, too, often play the “things could be worse”-game – it seems to help in a myriad of situations.

    Give yourself time and be good to yourself – this is pretty profound stuff to be dealing with.
    I do look forward to hearing about your plan B whenever you’re ready to share it with the world. Hugs.xx

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  3. Emma says:

    Hi. I justed started following your blog. You write really well (and as a literature grad I have high standards, so that’s not just empty praise 😉 !
    Sorry that you are coming to the end of one road. It sounds like you have left no stone unturned in trying to use your own eggs.
    I wonder how you feel about donor eggs? One of my IVF buddies is 44 and about to travel to South Africa for a donor cycle. All inclusive holiday, ethical and high quality care, donor cycle, meds, the lot – less than $17,000.
    I know it’s a hard choice but at least it’s good to know the option exists.
    Good luck with whatever your next move is. Em

    Like

    • Babyscienceproject says:

      Thanks Emma….donor eggs are our next step! Haven’t written about it yet but we’re planing to go to Spain. I’ve heard good things about South Africa too. Anyway I need to provide an update! Thanks for your nice words, I’m glad you like the blog. It’s good therapy.

      Like

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