Our clinic emailed with news of a donor this week. Let’s call her…..donor A. Or, because she’s in Spain, let’s call her Ana.
- 19 years old
- Slim build
- Dark blonde hair
- Blue/green eyes
- About to start a degree in Economics
- A first time donor
Sounds good right? Right. Except she hasn’t donated before, and she doesn’t have any kids of her own. In donor-world, she is not ‘proven’. This is not a particularly good thing.
So, we went back to the clinic and explained that although Ana sounds great, we were really hoping for a ‘proven’ donor. So they emailed about donor B. Let’s call her Betty.
- 21 years old
- Slim build
- Light brown hair
- Blue eyes
- A proven donor
- a high school graduate – she works as a nursery nurse
So now we have a proven donor and Betty sounds great. Except – she doesn’t have a university degree. This bothers us. It particularly bothers DH, who doesn’t really believe in nurture versus nature. He gave a good example of his own (adopted) brother who sucks at maths, even though they were both brought up by the same parents (DH is good at maths, even if he does say so himself). We’re both smart people. If our child turns out to be ‘average’, would we blame Betty? I know how ridiculous that sounds.
So I emailed the clinic again….feeling whiny and high maintenance. My mum and DH reminded me that we are paying for this and that it’s ok to want someone who ticks ALL the boxes. We have a small element of ‘choice’ in this matter, even though this person is a stranger. I don’t know what to think. What is more important? Education? Height? Weight? Hair colour?! Is there a priority list? Should we make one?! What matters most when really it all matters?
The whole process feels very strange indeed. This person is the future biological mother of my child. European law does not permit us to receive photographs or too many details of the donor. We’re trusting the clinic to do their bit. I’m feeling rather meek and thankful for Ana and Betty when really I need to be strong and hold out for (hopefully) donor C – who will be perfect.