Fed up/bored/annoyed/over it?

Sorry I haven’t posted for ages.

A wave of ‘something’ has come over me over the last couple of months. What is it? I’m not sure, but it seems to be one or some of the following:

  • annoyance
  • irritation
  • boredom
  • anger
  • lethargy
  • fed up-ness
  • over it -itis
  • poor-me-ism

It’s a weird feeling. I’ve spent the last 18 months  in a blur of IVF-fuelled enthusiasm. It’s like I’ve been on an enormous infertility bender and I’m coming down from it all. I’ve just woken up in a soggy field after an all night infertility rave and I have no taxi money and no phone.

ANYWAY. I’ve had a month of feeling sorry for myself. I’ve given myself a kick up the arse and a stern talking to. If we pack everything in now, the last 18 months will have been for nothing. 5 cycles! Litres of drugs! Miles of needles! Several arguments! Many bruises! Thousands of pounds! Hundreds of panty liners! (I exaggerate). For nothing. Despite everything fertility related annoying me at the moment, we need to keep going.

So, we’re forging ahead with the Madrid fertility clinic. It’s a good place – we visited last month and it went well. It’s a very zen, Ibiza type environment. The staff are good looking and quietly glide about in white tunics, smiling all the time. Everyone speaks good English. Two donors came in to sign some paperwork whilst we were in the waiting room and they were both very nicely dressed and slim, with great hair and designer handbags. Weird, right? Well, probably not weird. I (wrongly) have it in my head that all egg donors must be toothless crack heads. I need to stop thinking that way. The clinic assured us that they have several blue eyed donors of my height/weight and they are sure they’ll find someone by December (when we want to do the transfer). So – muy bien.

I started birth control pills yesterday to regulate my cycle. Probably won’t have much to do for the next month or two so I am going to try to  stay positive and not slide back into the pit of ‘don’t care’. It’s not easy. But if I really don’t care anymore, there will be no more fertility treatment. And no baby. And I definitely don’t want that.

12 thoughts on “Fed up/bored/annoyed/over it?

  1. sewingbutterfly says:

    I can relate to the feelings of ‘coming down’ and the feeling sorry for myself. That has been my week so far. Hoping to kick myself in the butt and get motivated again!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The EcoFeminist says:

    Ha, you’d love my RE talking about his donors, he’s got a short list of them as his standards are high that they needed to be “reasonably attractive” and smart, specifically saying that “just because they have a degree doesn’t mean they are intelligent” when talking about making sure they all had good heads on their shoulders. Ours was a 5X donor and a mom of 2, and he said she’s using the fee for mine so they can remodel their kitchen! Sounds like a gal after my own heart 🙂 We’re glad that within days of my blood test we have a vacation to Paris planned, which as we said will mean we’re either celebrating or have a great place to drink a lot of wine in 🙂

    Sending positive vibes your way. Whatever you decide to do, follow your heart 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      • The EcoFeminist says:

        hey there – just going back into this old email and if this cycle doesn’t work we are *considering* (not sure yet) getting a different donor rather than quitting the game (maybe). here in the US it’s $17,000 to start all over with a new donor, so we thought hmm, maybe we’ll do it overseas where it’s a third of the price and we can have a vacation at the same time (plus we have frequent flyer miles accrued from all this IVF here to pay for the flights), plus get a different opinion from those here in the states.

        so i had a few questions for you (how much time did you have to actually spend in spain? how many trips did you have to make during your cycle versus getting care by a local doctor? did they do genetic testing on your embryos? may i ask the name of the clinic?) feel free to email me offline if you’d like, my email is aimeelevens at gmail dot com. thanks! aimee


  3. shellsta says:

    I’ve been quietly following after previously chatting to you on another website. Haven’t wanted to comment as I feel like talk is cheap and just can’t find the perfect words to fix things for you. Your posts have made me laugh and cry…. I’ve learnt not to read them at work any more! Your metaphors are so apt… waking up from an all night infertility rave with no money and no phone… so exact, and at the same time, only something someone who is/has gone through this could even remotely understand.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. howwouldyoulikeyoureggs says:

    I just want to say thank you, thank you, thank you. I’ve just read every single post and it’s wonderful to see a bit if humour on this crazy, miserable journey. It’s good to know I’m not the only one feeling mad, obsessively boob prodding, knicker watching and consulting with dr google for any signs. Btw fanny bullets bahahaha- I’m def adopting that term. You’ve def had your share of ups and downs. Anyway I’ve got my fingers and toes crossed for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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