Our Donor – what matters and what doesn’t matter when really it ALL matters.

Our clinic emailed with news of a donor this week. Let’s call her…..donor A. Or, because she’s in Spain, let’s call her Ana.

Ana is:

  • 19 years old
  • Slim build
  • Dark blonde hair
  • Blue/green eyes
  • 5ft4
  • About to start a degree in Economics
  • A first time donor

Sounds good right? Right. Except she hasn’t donated before, and she doesn’t have any kids of her own. In donor-world, she is not ‘proven’. This is not a particularly good thing.

So, we went back to the clinic and explained that although Ana sounds great, we were really hoping for a ‘proven’ donor. So they emailed about donor B. Let’s call her Betty.

Betty is:

  • 21 years old
  • Slim build
  • Light brown hair
  • Blue eyes
  • 5ft4
  • A proven donor
  • a high school graduate – she works as a nursery nurse

So now we have a proven donor and Betty sounds great. Except – she doesn’t have a university degree. This bothers us. It particularly bothers DH, who doesn’t really believe in nurture versus nature. He gave a good example of his own (adopted) brother who sucks at maths, even though they were both brought up by the same parents (DH is good at maths, even if he does say so himself). We’re both smart people. If our child turns out to be ‘average’, would we blame Betty? I know how ridiculous that sounds.

So I emailed the clinic again….feeling whiny and high maintenance. My mum and DH reminded me that we are paying for this and that it’s ok to want someone who ticks ALL the boxes. We have a small element of ‘choice’ in this matter, even though this person is a stranger. I don’t know what to think. What is more important? Education? Height? Weight? Hair colour?! Is there a priority list? Should we make one?! What matters most when really it all matters?

The whole process feels very strange indeed. This person is the future biological mother of my child. European law does not permit us to receive photographs or too many details of the donor. We’re trusting the clinic to do their bit. I’m feeling rather meek and thankful for Ana and Betty when really I need to be strong and hold out for (hopefully) donor C – who will be perfect.

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11 thoughts on “Our Donor – what matters and what doesn’t matter when really it ALL matters.

  1. the longest road says:

    Our process of picking a donor sounds similar to our process. In the States, we had access to a few childhood photos of our potential donors. That helped our process a bit. We went for health, education and looks/heritage. Also, we only looked at proven donors. There are so many unknowns in the process and very little to make a solid decision. Using a proven donor gave us some sort of peace of mind, even though cycles can vary wildly.

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  2. singlegirlsquest4mommyhood says:

    Congrats on your upcoming cycle ! I say hold out for what you really want in a donor. I did and all at once I was flooded with several donors who met ALL my criteria to choose from and I narrowed ir down to two. I ultimately went with my fav and she could literally be my sister based on her looks. She is a med student and I love everything about her !

    You will find that perfect donor ! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. workingwomensivf says:

    You guys need to feel completely happy with who you choose. It is a super important decision l, do whatever you need to to feel comfortable. I will point out though my brother and I are biological siblings, raised by the same parents but I am great at maths and he is terrible. He has other strengths of course but is the only one of 3 not to go on to university. It may just be that things will be what they will be. As I said earlier though you have every right to choose whoever you want for whatever reasons you want!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. howwouldyoulikeyoureggs says:

    I think you have every right to be fussy over this and feel that gut instinct, it’s the right choice. We spend years finding the right person to be the potential father of our children. I think you want to feel 100 percent happy that on paper they’re right. Good luck

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The EcoFeminist says:

    Just remember that not having a college education by age 21 does not mean she is not highly intelligent or motivated. I didn’t get my degree until I was 30 and many, many people out there have financial reasons for not attending school, or have the opportunities that other donors have had.

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    • Babyscienceproject says:

      You’re right. I just feel like we need to check as many boxes as we can given the very limited choices that we have. I think I’ll feel better about it later on. Having a university degree doesn’t necessarily make things perfect but I think it gives us an ‘indication’ of family background/ambition/type. Much easier in the US where you get 5 photographs and a detailed life story?! :/

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      • The EcoFeminist says:

        Hmm… all I got was a spreadsheet with their identification number, hair color, eye color, height, and ethnic background ( plus if they were a successful donor in the past). Looking back I’m glad I didn’t have a lot of options or stories to choose from… ultimately I chose the person with the greatest success rate as a donor 🙂

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