Yesterday was not a great day. I had quite painful ovarian ‘twinges’ throughout the day and a general heavy feeling down below. Akin to period pain. I decided to have an early night. Bedtime ‘knicker watch’ revealed….bleeding. Well, a reasonably small amount of brown blood. Cue panic.
I emailed our doctor for some advice around 10pm and didn’t sleep a wink thereafter. I was either in the bathroom checking on the bleeding situation (brownish discharge, TMI I know – apologies), or lying awake in the dark, mentally preparing for another miscarriage. I cried. I prodded my boobs and assessed their size. They don’t hurt as much as they did a week ago and they’ve shrunk a bit. I must have nodded off because I dreamt I bled all over the bed. I didn’t of course. Basically 6 hours of total mental anguish.
5.30am the phone pinged – our doctor. I cannot explain how much I love our doctor. He is the most responsive, wonderful, kind, workaholic gynaecologist in the world. He asked us to be at the hospital for 8am. Yep, the man is doing emails at 5.30am on a Saturday morning. He is a saint.
I trembled in the stirrups this morning. I fully expected him to see nothing – no sac, an empty womb. After 5 cycles of IVF I know my body well and I just felt ‘wrong’ last night.
Well, I was wrong. Straight away he spotted the sac – or sacs. Yes, twins. And they are exactly the size they should be for 5 weeks and 5 days. No blood clot, no haematoma, no visible problems. Just a bit of apparently ‘normal’ bleeding associated with implantation (especially with twins). No heartbeats yet, we’re too early for that. Enormous relief. Now we just need to make it to week 7 and the next scan, and the scan after that, and after that, and after that. I’m relieved but we’re not allowing ourselves to get excited. Kind of sad, I know.
Infertility has turned me into a nervous wreck. I know I need to look on the bright side and concentrate on ‘positive visualisations’. I’m really going to try to do that, I just wish my body would make it a bit easier for me. I can’t handle the bleeding, it’s messing with my mind. Hopefully it will go away soon, the doc thinks it will. I am STILL PREGNANT TODAY and that is all that matters. I need to re-read my ‘Mindfulness’ book and do some (gentle) yoga this afternoon. After a long nap.