Captain Megaboobs and the Quest for the Perfect Boulder Holder

Today I am 16 weeks and 5 days still-pregnant! Can’t quite believe we’ve made it this far. I am starting to resemble a pregnant woman and I’m pleased to say the last couple of weeks have been quite uneventful. So, what’s been going on?….


I’ve always been a winner in the boob department with a generous-but-manageable 32DD pair. Well, things have changed quite rapidly over the past few weeks and my normal bras were struggling to cope. Where the hell does all this extra boob come from?! I decided to visit John Lewis for some bra advice. John Lewis is a classic no-nonsense British department store frequented by middle class Timothys  and Jemimas. 

Well, the rude woman on the lingerie counter assured me it would be AT LEAST 40 minutes before anyone could measure me properly, said in the world’s loudest voice. ‘HOW BIG ARE YOU NORMALLY?’, she boomed. ’32DD’, I squeaked in front of the interested group of husbands/boyfriends waiting outside the changing room. ‘LET’S HAVE A QUICK LOOK’….she stared intently at my boobs through my clothes….’THEY DON’T LOOK MUCH BIGGER THAN THAT TO ME. TAKE IN SOME 34DDs’. So, I shamefacedly wandered over to the maternity bra rack whilst everyone in the vicinity made their own judgement as to whether I’m a 32DD or a 34DD.

Is there anything worse than trying on bras in a harshly lit changing room? Maybe bikinis. Bikinis are probably worse. Anyway 40 bras later I still had side boob popping out all over the place and I had stopped looking at myself in the mirror as I was in danger of permanently losing my mojo. There’s no way I am a 34DD. A kindly shop assistant took pity on me away from the prying eyes of Ms Foghorn from the front desk. She couldn’t  officially measure me (why? Who knows) but she could see that I needed a much bigger size. She brought me a selection of non-underwired enormous granny bras in a 34F. Two whole cup sizes bigger than my usual bra! Anyway, one fitted perfectly. It fits like a massive glove. Here’s what it looks like…it’s so comfy and yet so matronly. I can also use it to carry groceries home from the supermarket if I don’t have a bag with me.

‘SEE YOU IN A FEW WEEKS’ boomed the bra nazi as I left. Eh?! ‘OUR PREGNANT LADIES COME BACK FOR BIGGER AND BIGGER BRAS ALL THE TIME’. Great! Something to look forward to. 


I’ve had 2 quick scans over the last 2 weeks and I’m pleased to report that both babies are doing fine. Both are the size they should be. One of them – we call her ‘Big Val’ – apparently looks like a girl. She seems to have loads of room down there and is always the first one on view, doing spins and waving ‘hello!’ as soon as the U/S wand hits my belly. The other baby is tucked away behind her and he looks squashed and a bit pissed off. We call him ‘Richie McCaw’ after the All Blacks rugby captain. Richie may well be a girl – it’s hard to see the lower part of his body. He’s rather mysterious and I’m sure Big Val must be getting on his nerves by now.

We will have a ‘proper’ scan at 20 weeks so we’ll know more then. In the meantime our doc wants to keep an eye on my cervix which is currently 37mm long…anything under 35mm is a bit of a worry. I’ve decided to take a ‘glass half full/cervix 2 mms bigger’ approach to this and NOT worry yet. Fed up of worrying about everything! I keep reminding myself that millions of women have babies every single day without the benefit of multiple scans and visits with world class obstetricians. Chill out Winston – as my 12 year old self would have said.


I haven’t posted (or taken) any bump photos so far so here’s one for your viewing pleasure, see below. We went on a nice day trip to Broadstairs in Kent yesterday. As you don’t know what I looked like before I was pregnant please just imagine the same woman with smaller boobs and no bump. Ta  dah! I’m still in the ‘she ate all the pies’ phase rather than the ‘blooming pregnancy’ phase. I’m also still wearing my normal jeans…with an elastic hair bobble doing up the button. No mu-mus for me yet.




….is the German word for ‘cervix’. I learned this in a Frankfurt hospital last night,  whilst waiting for a doctor to check if my ‘Gebärmutterhals’ was still ‘abgeschlossen’ (closed).

Yes, it has been another eventful 24 hours in pregnancy-land. Probably my own fault this time. TMI alert but I’ve been having rather a lot of watery discharge for the last few days. Nothing to worry about, I thought. Perhaps I’ll just email our obstetrician to let him know, I thought. So I did just that – on a train en-route from Zurich to Frankfurt

Anyway I didn’t quite get the reaction I was hoping for. Mr K (our obstetrician) requested that I come to see him immediately. Eh? I told him I was in Germany. He requested that I go to a ObGyn clinic, in Germany, immediately. WTF? He was concerned that I might be leaking amniotic fluid. No messing.

Well, obviously I started to panic. This hadn’t even occurred to me and it had actually been going on for a few days. I thought I was doing a little ‘FYI’ email when in actual fact I probably should have got this checked out much earlier….and in London, not blimming Frankfurt. I panicked even more when a quick Google search revealed:

  • Most Frankfurt ObGyn clinics are only open in the morning (WHY? WHO KNOWS).
  • Leaking amniotic fluid is very bad.
  • My rudimentary German does not include gynecological terminology

Big shout out to  Felix at the Frankfurt Hilton check in desk. By the time I arrived at the hotel I was in a massive flap. This lovely 18 year old work experience kid made a few calls and managed to get hold of a gynecologist, who advised me (via him) to go to the hospital. It was somewhat awkward explaining to Felix what was going on (using words like discharge, vagina, examination, cervix and so on) but I didn’t care at that point.

Anyway fast forward 30 minutes and there I was at the hospital using my mediocre German (and Google translate tool) to explain to a nurse what was going on. Basically I needed a doctor to check if my ‘gebärmutterhals’ is’abgeschlossen’ ASAP. It wasn’t a great experience but we got there in the end. She was lovely, she stroked my hand throughout the ridiculous translation experience.

I had to lie down on a bed with my legs in the air whilst waiting for a doctor. Luckily – he spoke pretty good English (apart from calling my tights ‘trousers’ which I thought was quite cute, like ‘please take off your trousers’ when I wasn’t wearing any). He did a swab test, an examination and a quick ultrasound. Big relief – everything is fine. Totally, utterly, fine. Both babies swimming around in plenty of amniotic fluid. Nothing to worry about. Just good old, umm, ‘regular’ discharge then. He did say that my doctor was right to tell me to come to the hospital straight away.

So, the moral of this story is – please call or email your doctor straight away if you’d like to inform them of something. Don’t leave it three days. Don’t do it from a train in Germany. And never leave home without a crib sheet of gynecological terms in various languages, just in case.