9dp5dt – Doctor Google will see you now

The last 24 hours have been pants. I slept badly – mad progesterone dreams, cramps (real or dream cramps, I do not know) and hot flushes (perhaps caused by my mum’s central heating system or my internal heating system, I also do not know). Gross TMI alert – I’ve also been having some pinkish/brown spotting, mainly noticeable at fanny bullet time. I’m worried. It really does feel like my period is on its way. Anyway I am now on obsessive knicker watch which is really not good for one’s mental health, especially when one is still staying at one’s mother’s house.

Looking forward to getting back home to London soon so I can pee on a stick in the privacy of my own bathroom on Thursday morning. I’m pretty convinced that this cycle hasn’t worked out. I know my body and I’ve been here 5 times before….signs are not good. I’m terrified at the prospect of more bad news.

Obviously I have been madly Googling ‘9d5dt’, ‘spotting’, ‘dreams’ and all the usual palaver. If you are reading this blog because you Googled something similar please rest assured that you WILL find BFP/BFN news on this site very soon. Seriously folks, what is wrong with people who post symptoms/questions/worries on forums and blogs and DON’T close the loop?! I need to know if ‘Babydust77’ got a BFP after her 9dp5dt brown discharge and cramps! I need to know if ‘Stickyvibesgirl’ got a BFP after experiencing bleeding and bad dreams! As all obsessive IVF Googlers know, living vicariously through the lives of others is the only way to get through the 2ww….

8dp5dt – negative

Tested this morning…. one pink line, not a hint of a second. It was an FRER so I’m pretty confident it would have picked up HCG if there was any to pick up at this stage.

I’m disappointed and sad. This is our last cycle with my eggs and really our last chance to have a baby that is biologically ours. It feels like a loss, maybe even a bereavement.

Thursday is my official test date so I’ll test again even though I know it’s a bust. Wow, I am thoroughly sick of IVF stuff.

7dp5dt – today is my birthday, tomorrow is my test day

….yikes. I’m dreading it.

My official test date isn’t until Thursday (10dp5dt) but I have the day off work tomorrow. I’d rather POAS without having to go to the office for the rest of the day, so…. tomorrow it is.

I’m not feeling optimistic. I wish I was, but I’m not. So today I am trying to put it all to the back of mind and focus on the good things in life, namely:

  • Today is my birthday and I’ve had so many nice presents, cards and good wishes from all over the world
  • My wonderful, funny, kind and handsome husband who I love very much and who loves me whether or not I am pregnant (ever)
  • My one-of-a-kind family including two grandparents who are still very much alive and kicking in their late 80s – and my extended family in New Zealand. I’m lucky to have them all.
  • My amazing friends around the world – all of whom I admire and am massively proud of
  • My job – which I love
  • My health – I’m alive! I’m reasonably slim! I still have all my own hair and teeth!
  • I live in London, one of the best cities in the world, and I never, ever get tired of it. Even when it’s raining and full of tourists.

I’ll report back tomorrow. Until then…..f*ck you home pregnancy test!

5dp5dt – Reasons to be cheerful

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Look at my lovely kitchen window box!

It is something to be cheerful about, as is the fact that it’s a sunny morning, it’s 5 days past our transfer and I’m feeling ok. No ‘symptoms’ really apart from a few twinges in the ovary area and sore boobs. I’m blaming that on the progesterone of course. 4 more days until test date. I’m trying to visualise my embryos growing and taking root just like the flowers in the window box.

I will look at my flowers and remain zen. I will not obsessively Google 5dp5dt. I will not obsessively Google 5dp5dt. I will not obsessively Google 5dp5dt…..

4dp5dt – Damn you Progesterone

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Is that tiny twinge in my uterus area a sign that my embryo is implanting? Are my boobs feeling a bit sore? Are those weird dreams I’ve been having about serial killers an early pregnancy symptom?

The answer is yes.

And no.

All of these things are side effects of the mega-dose progesterone I’m on. I did a quick Google search (of course) and came up with this:

Progesterone – less serious side effects may include:
  • mild nausea, diarrhea, bloating, stomach cramps (also common in very early pregnancy)
  • dizziness, spinning sensation (yep those too)
  • hot flashes (sounds about right)
  • mild headache (deffo)
  • joint pain (not so much)
  • breast pain or tenderness (yes, mainly from crazed searching for breast pain or tenderness)
  • acne or increased hair growth (yuck, not yet)

I’ve decided that there is no such thing as early pregnancy symptoms, only progesterone symptoms. Those uterus twinges aren’t fooling me! Well, maybe a little bit. Stop trying to fool me, uterus.

2dp5dt – Nothing in the Freezer

Hospital called – our three remaining embryos aren’t suitable for freezing. They only freeze good quality blastocysts and unfortunately those three haven’t made the grade.

I’m disappointed but not surprised – over the course of 5 cycles we’ve only ever had one frostie (which failed to defrost anyway). I can’t help but feel a bit nervous though. Ok, our embryos don’t make it to the freezer because they aren’t good quality. So what does that say about the two I have in the oven at the moment? Does that explain why we’re on our 5th cycle of IVF, despite having seemingly ‘great’ looking embryos transferred every time?

Anyway I have a bad cold and my PMA light is blinking red/empty. I’m bloated, constipated (thanks progesterone!) and my stomach looks like it has been attacked by Lilliputian bows and arrows. This freezer news has made me feel a bit sad.

I think I’ll have a raspberry Magnum.

My lovely lining

I had another scan this morning to see how things are looking for our frozen embryo transfer next week. As I lay there in stirrups with a camera up my wotsit I noticed how my doctor always congratulates me on the smallest things.’Well done, your lining is looking VERY nice!‘….’look how quiet your ovaries are! Lovely!‘. It’s quite sweet. I think he encourages me to feel good about the small (ie, insignificant ) things so I don’t feel so bad about the overall failure of everything.

He is a lovely man…..

…and I have a lovely (9mm) lining.

So everything is looking good for next week. The embryo transfer is scheduled for next Wednesday. Providing our little embryo makes it through the defrosting process I should be back on the 2ww bus very soon. I guess I’ll do my pregnancy test around Saturday 16th as our frostie is a 6 day blastocyst. I’m excited and nervous all rolled into one – please let this be IT this time around.

Test Day – BFN

Negative pregnancy test for me this morning… not even a hint of a second pink line. I was expecting this, I just haven’t felt ‘right’ this cycle. I feel strangely ok about it at the moment. Had a little cry and a long chat with my lovely husband at 6am. Something is clearly wrong with the quality of my eggs and I think we’ve accepted that. We just can’t keep doing the same thing again and again… we don’t have enough money, time or stamina.

Anyway, feeling horribly disappointed but I think we need to focus on plan B. We have one frozen embryo. I’d like to transfer this as soon as possible although I have no/low expectations. Then I’d like to find an egg donor. That’s our plan B. I never thought it would come to this, but here we are and I have to stay positive about the future.

Glass of wine for me tonight.

6dp5dt – today is not a good day

I woke up this morning (6dp5dt) feeling completely normal. My boobs, which have been slightly bigger than their usual selves over the last week or so, have returned to normal size. The bloating has gone. The insomnia has gone. Even the weird dreams have gone. I’m actually giving myself sore boobs from trying to find soreness (yes, I’m a mad woman).

I’ve convinced myself that this cycle is a bust. I stupidly did the maths last night and the statistical likelihood of this cycle working is slim to none. I scared myself even though this isn’t ‘new news’ – I’ve always known this. My entire year-long IVF journey has been a constant mental battle of statistical reality vs hopefulness. Today is a day where the stats are winning and I am feeling a complete lack of hope.

I’m not going to test early. If I test early I won’t trust the result, and I’ll feel worse. So I’m just going to keep on losing my mind and my mojo until Saturday.