An update

So my period arrived yesterday….exactly 21 days since my last period. 21 days?! What’s going on? Officially my shortest ever cycle. Does this count as an AF PB?

I’m usually 27 days, nice and predictable. Could this be related to the IVF? Hopefully I’ll revert back to normal next month. I don’t like it – makes me think of the M word (Menopause! Menopause! MENOPAUSE! ).

Anyway, I know I need to get a grip. In other news, I am officially still not pregnant despite hopeful fornication around ovulation this month. In addition to that, we need to get retested for HIV, hepatitis and syphilis (hey, a new disease!) before our trip to the Madrid donor egg clinic next month. Imagine if, all this time, rampant syphilis has been to blame for our infertility. That would definitely be one for the Wandsworth Guardian (local newspaper).

DH also needs to find out his blood type. I’m B positive, in case you were wondering (I discovered this only recently). Apparently this makes me artistic, sensitive and prone to colds, according to one crackpot website I browsed. Sadly it didn’t mention that it may also makes me prone to pregnancy.

8dp5dt – negative

Tested this morning…. one pink line, not a hint of a second. It was an FRER so I’m pretty confident it would have picked up HCG if there was any to pick up at this stage.

I’m disappointed and sad. This is our last cycle with my eggs and really our last chance to have a baby that is biologically ours. It feels like a loss, maybe even a bereavement.

Thursday is my official test date so I’ll test again even though I know it’s a bust. Wow, I am thoroughly sick of IVF stuff.

Another Spin of the Wheel of Fortune

People loved the idea of a ‘wheel of fortune’ back in the Middle Ages – ‘Rota Fortunae’ – I wrote a paper about it once. What comes up, must go down. The fickle finger of fate. Well,  we’ve decided to have one more spin of the wheel with my own eggs. Maybe I’m daft – I don’t know. At the moment that’s me in blue, getting squashed by the wheel (see picture above).

Our consultant was very keen for us to try again. He said our last cycle was exemplary – 7 eggs, 7 fertilised, 7 blastocysts. If we can replicate similar success again he thinks we have a reasonable (1 in 4’ish) chance of it working. Back in the day I probably would have felt excited. This time I did not – it’s impossible to say the last cycle was ‘exemplary’ when it didn’t work!  Anyway, I need to stop thinking like that. If we’re going to do this I need to think positive and upgrade the PMA.

We’re going away in June so I’m going to wait until early July to start the next cycle. Same short protocol as last time….and I’m going to start taking DHEA too. I’m not sure it will make any difference in 7 weeks but I guess it’s worth a try. I’m also still on CoQ10 and all the other stuff. And – I’m going to try a high protein, low carb diet. This study suggests it’s well worth a try.

Do I need my head testing? Possibly. Am I going to get my hopes up again? Definitely. Is this our very last time trying with our own eggs? HAS to be.

We’ve been at the bottom of the wheel for the last 12 months, the only way is up right?

Scan Day

My period started this weekend so I went to the hospital this afternoon for my first scan. The downregulation has worked and my ovaries are nice and ‘quiet’, but guess what? The doctor counted 10 follicles. That’s the highest Antral Follicle Count I have EVER HAD. On this….. the only cycle where I’m NOT having egg collection.

Insert your own ‘Isn’t it Ironic’ quote here.

Downregulation

… sounds like a ghost town in Nevada.

I’m on day 6 of downregulation with Synarel and I feel pretty good. In fact I feel completely normal. Too normal…. Are the sniffs working? Am I inhaling enough of the stuff? This is what happens during IVF. If you feel bad, you worry. If you feel good, you worry. I’m doing 2 sniffs of Synarel nasal spray twice a day. It isn’t quite as satisfying/reassuring as plunging a syringe into my belly so I’ll just have to assume that everything is OK. My period is due to arrive in the next day or two so let’s see what happens.

I’m half way through the ‘Mindfulness’ book and it’s pretty good so far. The basic premise is ‘stop torturing yourself with pointlessly negative thoughts’. I now need to start applying this information.

So let’s give it a try. The nasal spray is working and everything is fine. This IVF cycle is going to work and I am going to get pregnant soon. Boom! Easy.

Test Day – BFN

Negative pregnancy test for me this morning… not even a hint of a second pink line. I was expecting this, I just haven’t felt ‘right’ this cycle. I feel strangely ok about it at the moment. Had a little cry and a long chat with my lovely husband at 6am. Something is clearly wrong with the quality of my eggs and I think we’ve accepted that. We just can’t keep doing the same thing again and again… we don’t have enough money, time or stamina.

Anyway, feeling horribly disappointed but I think we need to focus on plan B. We have one frozen embryo. I’d like to transfer this as soon as possible although I have no/low expectations. Then I’d like to find an egg donor. That’s our plan B. I never thought it would come to this, but here we are and I have to stay positive about the future.

Glass of wine for me tonight.

9dp5dt – testing tomorrow morning

…. and that is all I have to say about that. Not feeling hopeful. Watch this space.

3dp5dt and my love affair with CoQ10

So it’s 3dp5dt  and I’ve decided that the worst thing a person can do at 3dp5dt is Google ‘3dp5dt’. I’ve done that a couple of times today. I’ve discovered women who have POAS and got miraculous BFPs, women who have POAS and got nothing, women with implantation bleeding, women with cramps, women with headaches, etc etc. It is bad for one’s mental health yet completely addictive. I’m not tempted to do a pregnancy test – I’d rather live in blissful ignorance for as long as possible thanks.

My symptoms today (or lack thereof) include very slight twinges in the ovary area and, erm, very slight grumpiness.

As previously mentioned, this cycle has been my best so far in terms of stimulation, # eggs produced and # eggs fertilised. I really don’t want to tempt fate by typing this (we’ve still got such a long way to go) but I ascribe some of this early success to the co-enzyme Q10 (CoQ10) supplements I’ve been taking. I’ve been taking 600mg of CoQ10 every day for the last 3-4 months and I’ve felt fantastic – full of energy. My skin has been clear, I’ve been less tired and my hair is shiny and thick.  CoQ10 is an antioxidant and as we age, our internal CoQ10 levels drop. It’s a supplement so there isn’t really any medical evidence to support its IVF benefits (most of what I’ve found online has been  ‘woo’) but as a human guinea pig I give it my seal of approval. If you’re TTC, give it a shot.