9dp5dt – Doctor Google will see you now

The last 24 hours have been pants. I slept badly – mad progesterone dreams, cramps (real or dream cramps, I do not know) and hot flushes (perhaps caused by my mum’s central heating system or my internal heating system, I also do not know). Gross TMI alert – I’ve also been having some pinkish/brown spotting, mainly noticeable at fanny bullet time. I’m worried. It really does feel like my period is on its way. Anyway I am now on obsessive knicker watch which is really not good for one’s mental health, especially when one is still staying at one’s mother’s house.

Looking forward to getting back home to London soon so I can pee on a stick in the privacy of my own bathroom on Thursday morning. I’m pretty convinced that this cycle hasn’t worked out. I know my body and I’ve been here 5 times before….signs are not good. I’m terrified at the prospect of more bad news.

Obviously I have been madly Googling ‘9d5dt’, ‘spotting’, ‘dreams’ and all the usual palaver. If you are reading this blog because you Googled something similar please rest assured that you WILL find BFP/BFN news on this site very soon. Seriously folks, what is wrong with people who post symptoms/questions/worries on forums and blogs and DON’T close the loop?! I need to know if ‘Babydust77’ got a BFP after her 9dp5dt brown discharge and cramps! I need to know if ‘Stickyvibesgirl’ got a BFP after experiencing bleeding and bad dreams! As all obsessive IVF Googlers know, living vicariously through the lives of others is the only way to get through the 2ww….

5dp5dt – Reasons to be cheerful

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Look at my lovely kitchen window box!

It is something to be cheerful about, as is the fact that it’s a sunny morning, it’s 5 days past our transfer and I’m feeling ok. No ‘symptoms’ really apart from a few twinges in the ovary area and sore boobs. I’m blaming that on the progesterone of course. 4 more days until test date. I’m trying to visualise my embryos growing and taking root just like the flowers in the window box.

I will look at my flowers and remain zen. I will not obsessively Google 5dp5dt. I will not obsessively Google 5dp5dt. I will not obsessively Google 5dp5dt…..

My lovely lining

I had another scan this morning to see how things are looking for our frozen embryo transfer next week. As I lay there in stirrups with a camera up my wotsit I noticed how my doctor always congratulates me on the smallest things.’Well done, your lining is looking VERY nice!‘….’look how quiet your ovaries are! Lovely!‘. It’s quite sweet. I think he encourages me to feel good about the small (ie, insignificant ) things so I don’t feel so bad about the overall failure of everything.

He is a lovely man…..

…and I have a lovely (9mm) lining.

So everything is looking good for next week. The embryo transfer is scheduled for next Wednesday. Providing our little embryo makes it through the defrosting process I should be back on the 2ww bus very soon. I guess I’ll do my pregnancy test around Saturday 16th as our frostie is a 6 day blastocyst. I’m excited and nervous all rolled into one – please let this be IT this time around.

Test Day – BFN

Negative pregnancy test for me this morning… not even a hint of a second pink line. I was expecting this, I just haven’t felt ‘right’ this cycle. I feel strangely ok about it at the moment. Had a little cry and a long chat with my lovely husband at 6am. Something is clearly wrong with the quality of my eggs and I think we’ve accepted that. We just can’t keep doing the same thing again and again… we don’t have enough money, time or stamina.

Anyway, feeling horribly disappointed but I think we need to focus on plan B. We have one frozen embryo. I’d like to transfer this as soon as possible although I have no/low expectations. Then I’d like to find an egg donor. That’s our plan B. I never thought it would come to this, but here we are and I have to stay positive about the future.

Glass of wine for me tonight.

8dp5dt – here comes the fear

Today is 8dp5dt and I’m a psychotic wreck. My ‘symptoms’  feel 100% like AF is on her way… a heavy feeling down below, ovary twinges and a large zit on my forehead. I’m on regular knicker watch every 15 minutes or so. I’m in Zurich on a business trip today so I’m sure my colleagues must think I have diahorrea or something. If AF arrives whilst I’m here I think I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.

Anyway, God grant me the serenity to accept the things… etc etc etc.

I just want to get back to London so I can obsessively knicker watch in the privacy of my own home. 2 more sleeps until this 2ww hell is over… wish I felt a bit more optimistic.

6dp5dt – today is not a good day

I woke up this morning (6dp5dt) feeling completely normal. My boobs, which have been slightly bigger than their usual selves over the last week or so, have returned to normal size. The bloating has gone. The insomnia has gone. Even the weird dreams have gone. I’m actually giving myself sore boobs from trying to find soreness (yes, I’m a mad woman).

I’ve convinced myself that this cycle is a bust. I stupidly did the maths last night and the statistical likelihood of this cycle working is slim to none. I scared myself even though this isn’t ‘new news’ – I’ve always known this. My entire year-long IVF journey has been a constant mental battle of statistical reality vs hopefulness. Today is a day where the stats are winning and I am feeling a complete lack of hope.

I’m not going to test early. If I test early I won’t trust the result, and I’ll feel worse. So I’m just going to keep on losing my mind and my mojo until Saturday.